At what age should I talk to my child about relationships and sex?What to talk to your children and young people about and when?The What Should We Tell the Children about relationships and sex programmeTips on talking about relationships and sexTips for answering questions when put on the spotContraceptionSexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)Your rights and your young persons rightsRSE in schoolsCoventry has one of the highest rates of under 18 and under 16 pregnancies in the country. About 350 young women under the age of 18 get pregnant every year; over half of these pregnancies will end in an abortion.
All children and young people learn about relationships and sex somehow. If they don’t learn about it from you, they are more likely to turn to their friends and the media. Some of this information will be wrong, misleading and confusing. Do you remember being confused, upset or frightened as a young person because you were unprepared for dealing with a relationship, or resisting pressure from peers/partner to have sex? You can help stop your young people from feeling this way by talking to them in advance and separating the fact from the fiction.
Schools teach the basic facts about relationships and sex but can't give them the one to one attention that you can. As a parent or carer, you can make sure that your child receives information that they need at a time that is right for them. You can also pass on values and beliefs that are important to you and your family, for example the positive side of relationships and sex as well as the risks and danger.
Where there is good communication between young people and parents or carers, young people are more likely to have the confidence to deal with relationships, delay sex until they are ready and practice safer sex.
A Relationships and Sex consultation with nearly 500 young people in Coventry demonstrated that most young people, both boys and girls, would like their parents (both mum and dad)or carer to talk to them about relationships and sex.
You don’t have to be an expert on sexual health to talk to your children and young people why not go to the young peoples section of this web site and see what you can learn? You can also book a place on one of our
What Should We Tell The Children.....about sex and relationships courses.
The purpose of this section of the website is to support you to talk to your children/young people about relationships and sex.
At what age should I talk to my child/young person about relationships and sex?Children start learning about relationships and sex from a very early age. Learning continues throughout childhood and into adulthood. Very young children tend to ask questions such as ‘where do babies come from?’, ‘how are babies born?’ and ‘why hasn’t so and so got a daddy?’. As they grow older this natural curiosity continues as they learn about what their bodies can and can't do and find out how things work and are made. Once you get the conversation going you need to continue as they get older. The thing to remember is the more they understand, the more likely they are to make the right choices when the time comes.
There is no evidence to suggest that talking about relationships and sex encourages young people to experiment with sex but there is evidence to show that young people are more likely to have the confidence to deal with relationships, delay sex until they are ready and when they are ready practice safer sex if they are given the opportunity to talk about relationships and sex.
Once your young person is in secondary school they’ll be going through puberty and picking up the wrong information about relationships and sex and may come under pressure from friends or a partner. This is a great chance for you to be their trusted voice, by helping them understand the basics and reassuring them its fine to wait, you’ll be helping to relieve any pressures they might be feeling. Talking openly also gives them the confidence to talk about the subject with their boyfriends or girlfriends and practice safer sex when the time comes.
What to talk to your children and young people about and when?Pre-school
If very young children ask questions like, 'Where do I come from?' Tell them the truth, very simply, without going into lot's of detail. It's important that you tell them the truth, that way they will be more likely to come to you with any other questions. If they ask tricky questions in public, say 'Let's talk about that when we get home' – but make sure you do.
Primary school (age 4-11)
Children develop differently so you will need to think about that but for all children it is important that you talk to them about the following topics before they go to secondary school (age 11). Puberty can start as early as eight, and children need to know how their bodies work, and what changes will happen as they get older. Don't overload this age group with information, but answer their questions honestly.
- Teach them about relationships, focusing on friendship, bullying and building self-esteem
- Talk to them about the changes in the body related to puberty, e.g. periods, voice breaking. When these changes are likely to happen and how they can deal with these.
- How a baby is conceived and born.
Secondary school (age 11-16)
It is important that while your young person is in secondary school you talk about the following topics when you feel that they are ready, this should help to prepare them for their school relationship and sex education:
- Talk about relationships, love and care and the responsibilities of parenthood as well as sex;
- Focus on boys as much as girls;
- Teach the taking on of responsibility and the consequence's of their actions in relation to sexual activity and parenthood;
- Provide information about different types of contraception,
- Safe sex and where to get further advice and treatment; Give them a clear understanding of the arguments for delaying sexual activity and resisting pressure to have sex;
- Link sex and relationship education with issues of peer pressure and other risk taking behaviour, such as drugs and alcohol; and
- Help them to understand how the law applies to sexual relationships.
What Should We Tell the Children ... about relationships and sex?The
What Should We Tell the Children programme gives you the chance to meet up with other parents and carers to share ideas, talk about their experiences and learn new ways of talking about relationships and sex. Groups are small and friendly and cover a wide range of issues such as how to talk to children of different ages, how to cope with being put on the spot and how to make the most of everyday opportunities for discussion. It’s important that dads as well as mums talk to their children and young people about relationships and sex. All sessions last for two hours. Session 1 is an introduction and a brief overview of key topics, and sessions 2 - 4 look at subjects in more detail. Some schools in Coventry will be holding sessions so watch out for a letter inviting you to attend. There are currently no community sessions booked in Coventry but if you are interested in attending please contact us on the details below and we will let you know of the next available date.
If you are interested in attending
What Should We Tell the Children courses please call
024 7683 2985 or email
Helen.middleton@coventry.gov.ukTips on talking about sex and relationshipsAll parents find it difficult to talk to their children and young people about relationships and sex, especially at the start.
The following tips should help to make things easier:
- Start early by answering questions simply and keeping the conversation going as they get older.
- Use everyday situations to start conversations, these could be things that happen within your family or community – such as marriage, partnerships, pregnancy, separation and divorce – or they could be things that happen in TV dramas, soaps or in the news.
- Try talking when you’re involved in another activity e.g. driving or unpacking the shopping. This is less threatening and makes conversations part of normal life.
- Be a good role model – if they see that you are considerate, thoughtful and responsible they will learn the value of behaving that way too.
- If you’re put on the spot don’t panic! Try to give a simple, honest answer. You can always bring the discussion up later when you’ve had more time to think about it.
- Find out what your child knows already, this will help you to fill in any gaps, correct misunderstandings and to give answers that they can understand.
- If you don’t know the answer to a question just say so and then find out perhaps together, by going to the library, a school nurse or by visiting relevant websites.
- Identify and use words to describe sex and sexual body parts that you and your family are comfortable with. Remember though that words used within the family maybe different to those used with medical people such as GPs and nurses. There are no right or wrong words although children do need to know the proper words such as vagina, penis and testicles.
- Accept that discussions will be most difficult with teenagers especially if you have never had these type of conversations before – persevere even if it doesn’t go well the first time or even the second time at least you will have broken the ice. Remind them that you are always there for them if they need you.
- Try not to lecture or preach. Young people resist being told what to do and what not to do. Instead have open discussions listening carefully to what they have to say. It will help to try and understand things from their point of view – you may like to reassure your child by sharing experiences and feelings from your own childhood.
- Avoid using scare tactics. These rarely work with teenagers and may even have the opposite effect.
- Think about your own values and beliefs, and the messages that you want to give to your children/young people about relationships and sex. Let your children/young people know what these are and why they are important to you and your family but allow them to explore their own values and beliefs as they grown older. This will also help them to learn about the importance of tolerance and respecting the views of others.
- Find out what relationships and sex education is being taught in school so you can discuss what they think about the lessons and what they are learning.
- Ask them what they think about waiting to have sex with someone they care about, and who they think they should be responsible for contraception and safe sex.
- Talk to other parents about how they answer difficult questions and how they feel about difficult issues.
- If you feel that you need more support to talk to your children and young people about relationships and sex why not sign up for the What Should We tell the Children course course. You can sign up to a two hour course and then decide if you want to attend another three more sessions.
- Have a look at the young persons section of this website, it has lots more information about relationships and sex such as things to say when they are being pressurised to have sex.
Tips for answering questions when put on the spot
- Give an honest answer
- You may be uncomfortable, even embarrassed, by some of your children’s questions, especially those asked in a public place!. Remember that this is perfectly normal. You may find it helpful to share and laugh about how you feel and some of your experiences with friends and family, you’ll find other parents know exactly where you are coming from.
- If you don’t know the answer to a question, say so – but tell them that you’ll find out and tell them when you have. Or perhaps you could find out together.
- Use humour in your answer (if appropriate).
- Ask why they are asking the question is it curiosity or is they are worried about something?
- Find out what they already know and understand, by asking ‘What do you think it means?’. Their answer wil help you understand what they need to know or let you put right any wrong information they have.
- Remember that how you answer will have an impact on what they ask you next, if you tell them the truth they are more likely to come to you when they have another question. Treat the questions seriously.
- If it is helpful, use books, leaflets or pictures to explain things.
- Always finish your talks by praising them for asking the question and reminding them that you are always happy for them to come to you with any future questions.
- Remember that children need facts but they also need to be able to share feelings and concerns and to seek guidance in making decisions.
If used correctly contraception will protect against an unplanned pregnancy. A
condom is the only form of contraception that will protect a young person from an unplanned pregnancy and a sexually transmitted infection. It is really important to talk to your daughter or son about contraception and safe sex. That way when they do decide to have sex they can make the right choice and not take risks which may end in a sexually transmitted infection or an unplanned pregnancy. Remember boys need to know about contraception too so they can take joint responsibility.
There are many different types of contraception for a brief explanation of many of the different types click here -
contraception. A health professional will help a young person to decide which contraception is good for them, this includes a GP,
Integrated Sexual Health Services or if your school has one a school nurse. Most young people have sex before they think about contraception, don’t let your young person be one of them, and support them to be prepared.
Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs)Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) are diseases passed on through intimate sexual contact. They can be passed on during vaginal, anal and oral sex, as well as through genital contact with an infected partner. Common STIs in the UK include chlamydia, genital warts and gonorrhoea.
A condom is the only method of contraception that will protect against STI's and an unplanned pregnancy.
For more information about Sexually Transmitted Infections
click here
Your rights and your young person’s rightsProfessionals working with young people including health professionals will always encourage sexually active young people to talk to their parents about what is going on. However, a young person has the same rights as adults when it comes to confidentiality. This means that they will not tell parents when a young person gets contraception or sexual health advice and treatment. In some cases, they may decide to refer the case to social services. This may happen if there is a large age difference between the two people involved, or if there is abuse. When dealing with cases with younger teenagers it will often be decided that there is a risk of harm and social services will be called.
Relationships and Sex Education (RSE) in Secondary SchoolsOf the 19 secondary schools in Coventry 14 have signed up to deliver standard high quality RSE lessons to pupils. The subjects covered in the RSE lessons are age appropriate, based on national research and on local consultation undertaken with parents, professionals and pupils in Coventry. The following subjects will be discussed in those secondary schools that have signed up to deliver the RSE core package. One way that you could support your young person is to find out when they going to have their RSE lessons, what they are going to talk about and then ask them about the lessons to see if they need anymore information about the subject.
Year 7Lesson One:
'Puberty changes'- To talk about the physical and emotional changes that happen to male and female bodies.
Lesson Two:
'Puberty and Reproduction’- To talk about puberty and sexual development and reproduction
- To talk about some of the common concerns young people can have during puberty.
Lesson Three:
'Feelings'- To discover which feelings can occur or change during puberty
- To look at ways of managing these feelings
Lesson Four:
‘How do we create positive relationships?'- Look at the role of self esteem in building good relationships
Year 8Lesson One:
'Re cap of Puberty'- To talk about some myths surrounding sexual health and development
- To recognise the influence that friends and the media can have on a person's body image
Lesson Two:
'Different types of relationships'- To make pupils aware of the qualities needed for a meaningful relationship such as trust and love.
Lesson Three:
'Talking about Relationships and Sex'- To talk about the different stages of a relationship.
- To use appropriate language relating to sexual health
- List 3 people they could go to for sexual health advice
Lesson Four:
‘Starting Out’ - To understand the basic laws relating to young people’s sexual health & relationships
- To provide an introduction to sexual health services in Coventry.
Lesson Five:
‘Once is enough’- To recognise and consider the importance of relationships
- To consider the stage of a relationship when conception might occur
- To discuss the reasons why some young people become pregnant
Lesson Six:
Conception and Condoms- To talk about how condoms protect against pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections
- To consider some of the myths and facts surrounding conception
- To understand how conception occurs
- To know how a condom works and how to use it
Year 9Lesson One:
Media and peer pressure- To discuss the possible pressures on young people to conform to media images.
- To consider how media images of men and women can affect their self esteem
Lesson two:
'R u ready?’- To identify different reasons for having or delaying a sexual relationship
- To identify ways to respond to unwanted pressures in relationships
Lesson Three:
Pressure, Influence and Persuasion- To recognise pressures and develop appropriate ways of responding
- To recognise risk of personal safety in sexual behaviour
- To practice assertiveness and negotiation skills
Lesson Four:
Impact of alcohol and sexual health- To explore the links that alcohol can have on sexual health
- To understand how alcohol can affect decision making and sexual behaviour
- To explore the importance of using a condom
Lesson Five:
'Contraception and STI's'- To consider some methods of contraceptives and whether they protect against STI's
- To recognise different STI’s and some of the symptoms
- To know about some of the different types of contraceptives and consider their advantages and disadvantages
- To know about the sexual health services available to young people
Lesson Six:
' Deciding what to do'- To explore the issues raised by unintended pregnancy and discover where young people can go if they need help and advice
- To know some basic facts about emergency contraception
- To understand the choices presented by an unintended pregnancy
- To know what support services are available locally
Year 10Lesson one:
‘Values and attitudes in sexuality'- To explore the concept that sexuality is a broad concept that affects many aspects of our lives
- To identify a range of features that make up a person’s sexuality
- To define the term ‘sexuality’
Lesson Two:
Relationships/family and marriage- To understand the qualities that make a family
- To identify different qualities that can make up a 'family'
- Discuss the different reasons why people get married
Lesson Three:
Relationship safety- Identify positive and negative sexual relationships
- Discuss behaviours that are appropriate and inappropriate within a relationship
- Identify what could be a risky relationship and where you can access support
Lesson Four:
‘Abortion debate’- To consider some of the cultural, religious, moral and medical issues around abortion
- To understand the choices presented by unintended pregnancy
- To consider the range of issues raised by abortion
Lesson Five:
‘H.I.V’- To understand the facts relating to transmission of H.I.V
Lesson Six:
‘Living with H.I.V’- To understand the implications for people living with H.I.V
Year 11Lesson one:
'STI's and contraception'
- To identify different STI's and some of the symptoms
- To identify some of the advantages and disadvantages of different contraceptive methods
- To identify local sexual health services
Lesson 2:
body beautiful- To consider the physical and emotional impact of pregnancy on young parents
- To explore whether people’s bodies are realistically portrayed in the media
- To consider how the female body changes during pregnancy and how this might affect the relationship between the woman and her partner
- To discuss how being a young parent might affect future relationships
Lesson 3:
Money Money Money- To know some basic facts about the costs of having a baby and to practice compiling a simple budget
- To understand the effects having a baby can have on the finances of a young person and their family